With belief systems being a mixed bag, we all likely have our own opinions on fated connections and divine timing. What we can all agree on, however, is that some people sweep into our lives in a way that feels significant. So significant that you can’t always place why you feel that way in the moment. You see them, you stop, and you think: Oh, you.
It’s in these “oh you” connections that we gain something. Perhaps it’s a feeling we’ve lost, or a new direction we feel bound to follow, or a painful realization that’s been clawing at the back of consciousness for years but we’ve been unable to truly acknowledge it – to feel it – for all it is. But this person: they draw your eyes to the truth. They move you forward in a way you never imagined possible.
For the longest time, my thoughts were occupied by one vision of the future. That vision happened to contain a specific person with very grand hopes of what he could be. Over time, that vision proved to be fantasy. Not because this person was toxic to me, but because, once again, I projected staying power onto someone who didn’t choose me. He was a mirror who reflected my own outdated patterns and floundering boundaries. I was absolutely smitten over someone who, at best, gave me every mixed signal in the book but I convinced myself that there was something beneath the surface, something I was missing about him. I tied a knot around that “special something” and held on.
Eventually, the threadbare emptiness of unreciprocated feelings cut too deeply. I finally reached a breaking point last October where I just couldn’t abide by the inconsistency and waiting anymore, especially when it became increasingly evident that there was a truth hidden from the light. Whatever that truth was, the extraction point was nigh, and he wasn’t biting, and yet – there he was again – popping up over, and over, and over again. So, the cord needed to be cut.
As fate would have it, he popped up a final time. This time it felt so radically different, that I was convinced the outcome would be too. I committed to seeing it through – at least for a time, until another interest came along. I wasn’t waiting and chasing this time. I was attracting to me. Even with this, I was still feeling frustrated.
“What am I not getting here?” I kept asking. “What isn’t clicking?”
After two years of stewing, I concluded that this person was a catalyst in my life. While he reflected harsh lessons and outdated patterns, he also opened my eyes to discipline, structure, and consistency at a time in my life where everything was falling apart. When the only thing I could control was integrating discipline and consistency into my health routines. He helped me do that by virtue of his presence and kindness, but also his grounding energy. He motivated. He inspired. But, he also prompted me to reengage in all of those old, outdated patterns – like chasing and fantasizing – that never served me in the first place. I saw this realization – this truth – but I couldn’t kick away this pull to him. This hope that things would change. He was in dreams, and waking thoughts, and in all the places I wished he wasn’t.
Then, one day – out of the blue – a different catalyst entered the chat. One who truly embodied the definition. He was adventurous, and wild, and daring with a laugh that soared. We connected on an intellectual and emotional level that felt so different and unexpected. The warmth that unfurled between us was natural as breathing, and drew me to realize: I deserved something different. Harmonious. Something lighthearted, fun, and deep. Not necessarily with this new person, but with a person like him. He made me see everything so differently. He made me see the first catalyst differently. Suddenly, everything flashed with vivid clarity.
I remembered sitting in my car shortly after encountering him. I had just met with my repeating soul lesson of a human. I left confused again and upset after overhearing a conversation that seemingly revealed to me the truth of it all: this connection was headed nowhere. I remembered sitting in my car, tapping my forehead against the steering wheel, and thinking: I refuse to feel this way anymore. This isn’t working. I want something different.
So, I went for it – the different feeling. The different path. The idea of someone new, reciprocal.
But I wouldn’t have landed there without that catalyst.
As it happened, that second catalyst was here and gone – but his lesson lives like a tattoo on my soul, in a different way from the first one. He was a mirror when I needed one.
And damn, was I glad I saw what I needed to, what I was meant to.
Soul Reads 
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