Read more: Consistency Chronicles: Addressing emotions In the Moment

Like many, I live a busy life. Not only busy in tasks and responsibilities, but in thoughts. Experiences. Emotions. Sometimes they all bungle and bristle – like log flume boats jammed on a theme park ride track – to the point of bursting. They grind against each other – they stack, and stack, and stack – until the impact of even the smallest inconvenience or emotion derails the ride entirely. Parkgoers are evacuated; water floods in unplanned places that will require deeper inspection, repair; and the controls governing the tracks simply won’t work anymore, as though water reached them, too.

You think to yourself, sitting amid the charred, watery carnage of it all:  Was that one inconvenience really what caused this? Couldn’t I have held on a little longer?

The answer? No, you couldn’t have.

And you were never meant to.

A system runs when we individually care for its composite parts. Not all at once, or in a rush, or as a reaction to some new stimulus; but individually. In the moment.  We must examine exactly how the logs clogged in the first place. Chances are, the root cause isn’t because you were ignoring and forgetting things, but that life kept adding, adding, adding and you weren’t pausing to perform preventative maintenance. Not because you didn’t want to. Rather, you were trained to keep going because emotional responses are inconveniences to reality. (Psst… Most of us were taught this.)

Somehow, society views dealing with emotional problems in the moment as this incomprehensible thing. The ride must keep functioning until implosion because there is money to be made, people to please, and schedules to keep. And, yes, to a certain extent this is reality, but the bill for cleaning up the aftermath of emotional explosions is far more costly.  For one, we hurt ourselves by carrying all this weight. It’s too much pressure on our hearts, brains, and bodies. Secondly, we potentially injure those we love with sudden outbursts that seemingly sprout from nowhere. Those relationship issues you buried, the annoyances you swallowed for years? They emerge in a geyser – all at once – in a way that seems accusatory and resentful. You receive the ever cliché, “Well you never said anything.”

And no, you didn’t.

But now you did, and you’re left to come up with the reason why, which is often compounded by time and resentment. An explanation of the problem would have been more easily articulable if you had addressed it years ago.

So, let us pause here – right now – and recalibrate our systems. The preventative maintenance starts now. No, not when it’s convenient, or when you have a moment to breathe. Now. Which brings us to our first strategy for diagnosing and “dealing” with problems in the moment –

1. Pause

You can do this in any number of ways, but the easiest may be just to breathe. When irritation starts creeping beneath your collar, or there is a tension beneath your skin can’t name, breathe. In, out – a full body breath. Allow that breath to be your guide. Imagine it filling you – from head to toe – and seeping into the area of tension or discomfort. If it’s a thought, send the breath to that thought. Allow it to sweep in and cleanse it. See the breath coming into the body, and taking the feelings, weight, and tension of the thought or emotion with it. This can be accomplished in a matter of seconds. You can even address the rest of the emotion later, when it fits your time and schedule. Just release it from this moment.

For those who require less metaphor, find a movement. Maybe you literally pause – you drop your work or stop in a shady spot on your walk. Just pause. Stand. Allow yourself the moment to think and diagnose the problem.

Which brings us to our second strategy…

2. Name it

What is your problem? Name it. Sometimes, it is as simple as that. Other times, you must go further, by asking yourself:

• Where is this tension, or emotion coming from?
• Who or what is causing this reaction?
• Is this related to something that’s happened to me before (i.e. a pattern)?
• Why is this happening now?

Most often for me, emotional problems ooze from an old wound or pattern I swore was healed. But there it is again, a puckered and angry scar, begging me to revisit it. A scar – no matter how old, healed, and small – is still taut against soft, unblemished skin. Its tautness and toughness are blessings of survival; but it’s also a reminder of weight carried, of skin that may have existed untouched, of a pain that could have been avoided. So, that reminder triggers a response. It is important to acknowledge that reminder and all its thorny emotions before it swells to an unmanageable and destabilizing size.

Take the time – painstaking and inconvenient as it may be – to name what’s bothering you. Even if you revisit it later.

3. Commit to addressing the problem

While we can diagnose a problem in the moment, addressing it is a different beast. Especially when it involves other people, or work. So, after you pause and name the issue, commit to addressing it.

Schedule the difficult conversation with a loved one, boss, or friend. Commit to journaling about the issue or sharing it with someone.

If the problem can be addressed through an in-moment confrontation, do it. Too often, especially in family dynamics, we swallow our reaction to someone else’s bad behavior to keep peace. That is exactly how resentment builds and the log jam starts – don’t do it to yourself. If your mother makes a comment about your body or partner that bothers you, address it in the moment. Say: “Mom, I’ve noticed you keep remarking on x. That really bothers me.” Then, designate a time to revisit the conversation in full to explain why what she says bothers you. But commit to yourself – commit to resolution. Half of the time, the outcome of the honest conversation to resolve the problem is not near as bad as you think. Just ask Michael B. Jordan.

Why is this all important?

Consistency. By pausing for an emotional trigger, naming its origins, and addressing it, you show up for yourself. You prove to yourself that you care about your wellbeing. Just like you regularly visit the gym to shape yourself physically, you must show up for yourself emotionally, too. The greatest trust you can have in this life is that to yourself. Romantic partners and friends are wonderful life additions. But they are just that: additions. Your life builds on your actions, your emotions, and your thoughts. You cannot expect to show up consistently for someone else if you aren’t there for yourself first.

Being consistent with yourself emotionally is one of the greatest acts of self-trust. By engaging in the above, you show that you care about yourself enough to prevent full-system disruption, or energy leakage. You show that you care.

And your body, soul, and mind respond in kind.

Take the time to do the emotional maintenance and watch how everything else aligns.

In the pursuit of committing to ourselves,

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